Want to know what I think? If you’re looking bitchy comments from a middle-aged queen using Eurovision as a self-aggrandising opportunity to pedal his hatred and massage his ego, then go some place else.
These are well-meant and honest assessments based on the song itself. Be sure to check out the anal scoring I blogged a few weeks back. Reviews will be updated to take into account the jury finals on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, so check back regularly.
Semi-Final One – Tuesday 19 May 2015
Hungary Simple slow burner of a ballad with a heartfelt message. Simple sophistication.
Belgium Funky, distinctive, stripped back. Appealing primal quality to the sound.
Romania The more I listen to it the more I love it. I hope it does well.
Moldova Earworm. Mid-tempo drama. Infectious chorus. The ethnic piccolo isn’t annoying.
Albania Unsure about this. Pleasant enough, but it doesn’t set my pulse racing especially.
Russia Crowd-pleasing saccharin anthem. I shouldn’t like this, but I do.
Belarus Another earworm. Exquisite driving music. Veh good.
Serbia Not bad, but when it goes all club-like at 1’48” I get annoyed by it. Confusing.
FYR Macedonia Tries terribly hard, but fails to flick any switches.
Denmark Polished and slick, this perky, squeaky-clean 60s style song is actually quite bland.
Finland Finnish punk. Very short, thankfully. Band members have learning difficulties.
Estonia Pleasant enough, but it isn’t going to change the world.
Netherlands Competent and inoffensive wallpaper.
Greece I’ve not listened to this song in its entirety once. No, really.
Semi-Final Two – Thursday 21 May 2015
Cyprus Sweet simple ballad with some gorgeous chord progressions. Their best song yet.
Sweden Quality up-tempo anthem sung by a lovely man in leather trousers.
Poland Pleasant song, but a bit of a musical lay-by.
Iceland Utterly utterly delightful.
Azerbaijan I’ve not listened to this song in its entirety ever.
Latvia Quite like it. Distinctive, but the chorus gets annoying. She shreaks a bit, but understand that’s what the young kids like these days.
Slovenia Not sure about this. That’s all I’m prepared to say at the moment.
Lithuania Well-produced middle-of-the-road pop with a country feel. Pleasing.
Ireland Beautiful lilting ballad. Ireland’s best song for a long, long time. Another earworm.
Malta Dull and forgettable.
Israel Guilty pleasure. Annoying chorus from the modest self-proclaimed ‘King of Fun’. It’s a grower, despite the criminal lyrics.
Portugal Trying terribly to be something. No-one’s entirely sure what.
Montenegro It’s lengthy, evocative introduction promises the world. I’m left disappointed by it.
Czech Republic Heavy handed and just a little bit joyless.
San Marino Naff, twee and nauseating. Sung by two former Junior Eurovision participants. Another guilty pleasure.
Final – Saturday 23 May 2015
The so-called ‘Big Five’ (UK, France, Italy, Spain and Germany), plus last year’s winner and guest entrant this year Australia all have automatic places in this year’s final.
Australia Universally liked because it’s a cracking song. A potential winner.
Austria Nice. Very Lennon and McCartney.
France Dull. Sorry, France.
Germany I ought to like this, but I don’t.
Italy I like this a lot, and I shouldn’t.
Spain Slight earworm potential, but its not going to bring the house down.
United Kingdom Fun, perky and memorable. I like it. I like them. And I’m proud of it. It’ll be used as a stick to beat people with and a justification to be vicious. Shame.