23 December 2014

Can’t believe it’s seven more days until – technically – this month long blogging experiment comes to an end. Not entirely sure how I’m going to manage it next week with no 3G and no wifi. Suspect it will be a trip to the local hotel for something or other. But it has been fun. Predictably addictive. Reassuringly reassuring too – like a regular late night whispered telephone call with a pal.

Today I was on-call for work. Didn’t tell Simon. Didn’t want him to think that I was ‘at work’. Suspect he knows I was anyway. Just didn’t want the bubble to burst. At the same time, I didn’t want to get sucked in to work stuff. I did, of course. And not for the right reasons. It wasn’t so much work I was actually doing which took up my time, but thinking about work, people at work and – in my usual way – linking things up and coming up with conclusions about work which probably weren’t correct and certainly weren’t helpful. I can always strive to do that less. What I’m pleased about is that I can at least notice when its going on. Mentally I usually fold my arms, purse my lips and think “Oh, I’m doing that now, am I?” I think being in your forties probably helps.

Saw Debbie today about my knee. She is an absolute wonder at dealing with body pain. Been seeing her for as long as I’ve known Simon. Debbie was a massage therapist for CBBC puppeteers when the department was based in London. Without Debbie, I’d be lost. Detailed all of my symptoms – including the weird phantom mobile phone ‘buzzing’ in my upper thing – an explaining how the original ‘popped’ knee occurred when responding to the passenger who was sat in my seat on the train. Debbie pulls and pushs and massages and contorts me. When she’s finished an hour later, I lay on the floor unable to get up. I wasn’t in pain. I was completely exhausted. That’s when I know the treatment has worked.

After posting my sister’s Christmas present – £7 guaranteed delivery tomorrow didn’t seem like such a raw deal given that first class is so expensive – I went back home on the hairdryer, iced the Christmas cake, sat down in front of the TV and started to drop off. Took myself off to bed at 5.39pm. Didn’t wake up until 8.00pm. Debbie warned me I’d feel the impact of the treatment. She wasn’t wrong. I haven’t had that kind of useful sleep in weeks.

When I woke up, Neil was visiting, dropping off presents and spending some time catching up before he and his other half went off to Sussex. Nice to see him and to hear a snatch of what’s going on. Ended up throwing up the thing I’ve been thinking about for a week or so now – the tendency I seem to have to push back on a lot of things.

Basically, when someone says they want something or they think something should be done, I end up sort of saying yes but negotiating better solution that makes both them and me ‘happy’. It’s habit, a lot of the time. And I’ve never thought to question it until these past few days on leave. Whilst it seems to come easy, it does present an ongoing challenge: making sure that ego doesn’t overtake and become the driving factor in pushing back on stuff. I don’t think it does, but like the threat of the fuel running into ’empty’, one always wants to be aware of what’s going on. What I think I’m most aware of is how much time and energy that process of pushing back takes. It’s a useful thing, but have I been over-using it? Maybe I’ve underestimated what impact it’s had. Maybe it’s Debbie’s treatment which forces me to confront that stuff. I like that. But there’s a part of me that thinks I’d like to think about it a little more and come up with a revised set of guidelines. More on that story later.

Delightful call taken from one of Simon’s exes – the one before me – who works in publishing. He offers some suggestions to Simon about what I could do to get the book published. Reminds me that despite my original goal of just getting the draft complete, publishing is something I’d like to see happen. Need to think about that too.

Lovely card from Clare. Just wish she’d included her postal address.

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